The Legend of Zelda The New NEW Hero of Time X
by TheBigFanFics2000
Summary: This has nothing to do with the other series, and if you've got a day to kill, i'd suggest reading this, it's funny, but it's not short...


The New "New" Hero of Time

Bonus episode

(Alternate Timeline)

Tucker walked down the main street of Hyrule town market and he noticed an unusual amount of guards hanging around an alley. Tucker moved closer to investigate, when one of the guards noticed him coming closer. The guard motioned to a few others and they all got up and pointed their spears at Tucker, who put up his hands a backed up a step.

Tucker: Whoa, whoa, what's the problem dude?

Guard1: No civilians allowed over here!  
Tucker: Why? Is Telma running around naked again?

Guard2: What? Where?

Tucker: Sarcasm, chief!

Guard2: Awww, darn it… Now you really can't come back here!

Tucker: Why, what's going on back there?

Guard1: It's a secret, the king ordered us no to unearth that information!

Guard: Yeah, it's definitely not a secret portal to another dimension!

Tucker: Okay, well if it's not that, then I guess I'll be on my way…

Tucker walked away and the first guard hit the third one on his helmet with the shaft of his spear.

Guard3: OW! What did I do?

Guard1: You're lucky that guy wasn't very smart, or I'd have to kick your ass, and his!

(If you haven't guessed by now, Tucker's in Twilight Princess now)

As the guards continued squabbling, Tucker kicked a big box, making it slide next to a window. Tucker climbed up to the window and grabbed the top of the frame and pulled himself up to the roof of the building. He edged quietly to the side of the building that overlooked the alley, and saw about twenty guards surrounding a small golden portal.

Tucker: I'll bet that's a portal back to my dimension!

Guard: What was that?

Tucker hit the ground fast as the guard looked up just in time to miss seeing him. The guard looked down and Tucker sat up slowly.

Tucker: Really, really, have to stop talking to myself when there's guards around…

As Tucker continued talking to himself, one of the guards shouted and Tucker looked over the side as the portal began to glow. All the guards surrounded the portal with a tighter perimeter, and the portal grew a little bit, and a figure fell out of it, then the portal disappeared. The figure looked up, and brushed the hair out of its face. Tucker looked closely at the figure and it immediately dawned on him.

Tucker: Crap, it's Hege…

Guard: It's a woman!

All the guards bunched up, but they all looked back as an EXTREMELY large guard in thicker armor moved to the front of the group.

Leader: What do we have here?

Guard: I believe it's a woman, sir…

Leader: I can see that you idiot! I was being ironic…

Guard: What do we do sir?

Leader: We follow the king's orders; we take her to the king immediately!

Tucker looked down and tried to decide what he should do. He was unarmed and against over a dozen fully armed guards, and their leader, who had magical abilities. Tucker knew he had to save Hege, and he quickly scanned the roof for any kind of weapon. Tucker looked by the opposite side of the roof, where he saw a broken metal rod. Tucker jumped up and grabbed it, then rolled back over to the side overlooking the alley. The guards were converging on Hege who had managed to stand and get herself cornered by standing against the opposite building's wall.

Leader: Don't resist, you'll only get hurt, and we can't have that, can we boys?

Guards: HAHAHAHA!!! NO SIR!

Leader: Well said boys, now come with me little lady… We'll take good care of you!

Hege: Wait! Where the hell am I? What's going on?

Leader: Get her!

Without thinking, Tucker grabbed the side of the building and threw himself over it, landing between Hege and the leader, but landing on his side and dropping the rod.

Hege: Tucker? What's going on? Where are we? Oh, and it's great to see you!

Tucker: Great to be seen, baby, help me up please…

Hege pulled Tucker to his feet and helped dust him off.

Leader: Augh! Not you again! Weren't we done with you?

Tucker: Apparently not, Mississippi!

Leader: The name is Missisipri! Missisipri! Get it wrong again, and I'll kill you!

Tucker: Okay, okay, just chill out!

Hege: How do you know these people?

Tucker: Oh, I've been stuck here for a while…

Hege: So this is where you've been!

Tucker: Yup, now how about we go somewhere and do something R rated?

Hege: HAHAHA!!! Tucker, you're crazy!

Tucker: Guilty!

Leader: If you two are done, could we get back to capturing you now?

Tucker: Hmm? Oh, sure, go for it!

Leader: GET THEM!!!!

Tucker slid under the leader's legs and grabbed the rod and swung back around and caught a charging guard in the back of the spine with it, killing him instantly. Tucker picked up his spear and took off his helmet. The remaining guards surrounded Tucker and Hege and stupidly charged one at a time. Tucker swung the guard's helmet and knocked an attacking guard to the ground and stabbed him through the throat with the spear. As Tucker pulled out the spear, another guard lunged at him too quickly for Tucker to react. Just as the spear reached him, Hege leapt in with the second guard's spear and deflected it, then spun it around and stabbed the guard in the stomach, then sliced the spear, and cut the guard in half. The remaining guards stepped back a ways, and looked at each other, then turned to look at their leader.

Tucker: What do ya say, Mississippi, one last battle, for all the marbles?

Leader: As you wish outworlder, your time in this world is going to come to an end very quickly…

The guards all formed a circle and Tucker motioned for Hege to back up. The leader pulled out a HUGE axe that was bound to a lance with a twelve-foot long spiked chain. Tucker looked down and raised the tiny spear he still had from killing the first guard.

Leader: HAHAHAHA!!! What are you going to do with that? Clean my teeth?

Tucker: Now, why would you ask that, do you really think I'm gonna do that?

Leader: OH NO! No mind games this time! You're not gonna trick your way out of this fight!

Tucker: Aw darn, I could only trick you…

Tucker turned around and looked at Hege.

Tucker: Fifteen times…

Hege: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Tucker: They're a bunch of idiots…

Leader: Silence! It's time for you to die!

Tucker: Just like you said the last five-

Leader: SHUT UP!!!!

The leader swung his axe down and Tucker leapt back and dodged it, but the axe shot a ripple of magic energy through the ground, and it bound Tucker to the ground.

Tucker: Oh, this is new…

Hege: Are you okay?

Tucker: Uh…

Tucker looked up at the leader towering over him…

Tucker: Ask me again in a few seconds…

The leader swung his axe down again, but Hege jumped at Tucker and tackled him, leaving his shoes stuck on the ground.

Tucker: Holy crap! Thanks for that Hege!

Hege: You can thank me properly later! Let's get the hell out of here!

Tucker: Amen baby!

Tucker leapt at the leader who swung the axe sideways, but missed as Tucker landed behind him. Tucker stuck his spear in the ground, pinning down the leader's cape. Tucker power-slid under the leader again and grabbed Hege and took off, kneeing an unsuspecting guard in the face and knocking him down. As the other guards rushed to chase Tucker down and free their leader who was flailing around like a mad man, Tucker escaped with Hege riding on his back. After Tucker had left Hyrule town market, he let Hege down, and they kissed passionately as the postman ran by and fell off the bridge because he didn't see where he was going.

Tucker: I'm glad yer safe, Hege.

Hege: I love you, Tucker.

Tucker: I love you too, but Hege, how did you get here, you were the last person I expected to fall through that portal!

Hege: Really? You expected Ex-president George W. Bush to fall through more than me?  
Tucker: Um, well, let's just say I'm ecstatic it was you who fell through, instead of someone I'd have to deal with in an unpleasant way, like all the other times…

Hege: Other times?

FLASHBACK!!!!

Tucker: Hey, look at that, a mysterious portal leading to and from places unknown! I guess I'll check it out!

Tucker looked into the portal as a giant three hundred tentacle-flailing monster grabbed him and slithered out of the portal.

Tucker: Schnockers! Did it again!

END FLASHBACK!!!!

Hege: Wow, I see your point.

Tucker: Yup!  
Hege: So, what do we do now?

Tucker: Well, we can go on an elaborate adventure spanning dozens of miles and meeting all kinds of interesting and dangerous people while we battle monsters and figure out puzzles; OR, we can go over to that windmill over there and do what comes natural!

Hege: What do you think we should do?

Tucker: Windmill?

Hege: Read my mind!

Hege pulled Tucker into the windmill, and they emerged an hour later, sweaty and covered in straw. As they walked away, a kid stuck his head out of the door with a horrified look on his face.

Kid: I saw… things… horrible things…

Tucker: Well, next time watch us and not the cows…

Kid: AHH!! Why did you come back?!

Tucker: I just realized that I forgot my pants!!! HAHA!!

Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (clapping)

Tucker: We'll be right back!

This fictitious written piece is brought to you by, the Deku King, who would like to remind you to dunk those monkeys, dunk 'em good, kids! Also, by Peter Griffin, who would like to remind you that the bird is the word-

AH WELL EVERYBODY'S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD!!!!!

Thank you, we now return you to our feature presentation:

Tucker: Well, now that I'm wearing pants again, shall we continue on with our adventure?

Hege: What kind of adventure should we have?

Tucker: Well, one with lots of that good sex thing would kick some ass, but if not, then we have to kill a lot of stuff!!! A LOT OF STUFF!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hege: That sounds good!

Tucker: Excellent, let's be off then!

Tucker and Hege walked off, completely unaware that someone was following them. A small figure wearing a black cloak stood silently in a tree, watching Tucker and Hege walk off laughing about some stupid comment Tucker had just made.

Figure: What are brownies?

As the figure stood there puzzling, a bird flew off and the figure turned too fast and slipped off the branch it was standing on. As it fell, its cloak got caught on a broken branch and the figure slipped out of it, and hit the ground on its butt. The figure stood up and rubbed its butt and winced in a small amount of pain.

Tucker: How's yer ass?

The figure jumped behind the tree as Tucker and Hege walked over.

Tucker: Come on out, the was a bad fall, you may need help…

Figure: No, I'm fine!

Tucker: Really? Yer butt is fine then?

Figure: YES! MY BUTT IS FINE!!!

Tucker: Hey there, Midna…

Midna looked up to see the tucker had slipped behind the tree without her noticing him. Midna tried to jump to the other side, but Hege was standing behind her. Midna turned frantically and tried to run but Tucker grabbed her around the waist and picked her up.

Midna: Hey! Hey! Put me down, this instant!

Tucker: Okay, my bad, but you are okay, aren't you?

Midna: What do you care, it's not like I've been usurped from my throne as the twilight princess, had most of my powers taken away, and have been left to rot in this crapfest of a dimension…

Midna turned away and Tucker looked at Hege, who nodded. Tucker knelt down and Midna turned to look at him, then quickly turned away. Tucker turned her around and put his thumb on her chin so she'd look at him. Midna looked up slowly and looked into Tucker's eyes. Tucker put his other hand up to Midna's cheek and wiped away a small tear that had begun to roll down her face.

Midna: I-I've just been here waiting for a hero of my own to come and give me a hand, I tried to get back on my own, but I can't get to the portal back to the twilight realm, its too far away, and surrounded by monsters…

Tucker: What? Link hasn't shown up yet? That's weird…

Tucker stood up and looked around, then knelt back down and got back to Midna's eye level.

Hege: Would you like to come with us? We can help you get back home!

Midna: Well, I guess, if you wouldn't mind sharing your hero with me, then that would be fine…

Hege: WHOA! WHOA! You can come with us, but Tucker is mine in the sack!

Midna: Huh? What sack? What's she talking about?

Tucker: Hegester, I think she just meant share in a technical sense, not that she wants to sleep with me…

Midna: Or you could look at it that way, I guess… You can just keep him to yourself, if yer that selfish…

Hege: Oh, no, you did not just make a pass at my man! He is MINE princess!

Midna: Maybe we should just let him decide!

Hege: Tucker, who are you sleeping with?

Hege and Midna looked at Tucker, who just sat there staring back with a look on his face showing he was weighing his options, not really making up his mind.

Midna: Well?

Tucker: Well… Uh, Heg- But, Midna's here, no- Ah- well…

Hege: Well?  
Tucker: Now wait a minute, how did this get turned around on me here? Who brought up the sex part of this argument?

Hege: You did!

Tucker: Damnit, I guess that's true… Wow, I am in a pickle!

Midna: Come on, brave hero, let's leave this ugly girl here and go off by ourselves, we can rule the twilight realm together!

Hege: Don't you even think for a second that you're going anywhere with him, you puny imp!

Midna and Hege began fighting and rolling around on the ground, yelling and pulling each other's hair. As they struggled, Midna got on top of Hege, but Hege pulled her hair back and Midna arched her back and yelled, then Hege rolled them over and mounted Midna and held her to the ground, but Midna reached up and ripped off part of Hege's shirt. They both rolled over and landed in a pool of water. Hege and Midna began flailing at each other, which got them both soaking wet, and they both began to shine in the sunlight. While all this was happening, Tucker just sat on the shore, eating popcorn and not taking his eyes off the two battling girls. After a few minutes, Hege had lost her shirt and Midna had somehow turned into her human form and she and Hege were trying to crush each other, which pressed their breasts together, which were especially shiny in the sunlight. After a few more seconds of this, Tucker got in the water and waded over to where Midna and Hege were staring at him as he walked over. Tucker separated the two soaking wet women; gave them a smile and Hege and Midna started making out. Tucker started to move in to join the fun, when he could feel someone shaking him.

Hege: Tucker? Tucker? Wake up, you perv!

Tucker: Huh?

Midna: You kinda passed out standing up, and started saying stuff that made no sense…

Tucker: Wha-What did I say?

Hege: It was a little hard to understand…

Midna: What's a threesome?

Tucker: Uh, never mind…

Hege: Wait, threesome?

Tucker: So, Midna, how about we get you back to the twilight realm? That sounds fun, let's do that, right Hege?

Hege: Huh? Oh, sure, that sounds like an adventure! Let's do it!

Tucker: You took the words right out of my mouth Hege…

Hege: Perv!

Tucker: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Midna: What's a perv?

Tucker: Oh, you'll learn Midna, you'll learn…

Hege: Especially around this one right here!

Tucker: What can I say, I do love those sexy things!

Midna: But, what's a perv?

Hege: Should you sing the song?

Tucker: I think I should sing the song…

Midna: There's a song, what song?

Tucker: Well, Midna, it's a song that goes a little something like this…

There are times in my life where a goal cannot be reached…

Times when my intentions are misunderstood…

But no matter how bad it gets, I just have to think…

How can I make this situation better?

Hege: How are you gonna make that situation better?

Tucker: By being…. A PERV!

Hege: A perv?

Tucker: That's right, a perv!

All the boobs I've ever wanted!

Hege: PERV!

All the girls in the world for me!!!!

Hege: YER A PERV!

I'm a perv!

I make the best of a situation, by adding some sexy recreation!

Hege: YER A PERV!

When life's got me down…

I just have to remember…

That I'm a perv!

Midna:YER A PERV!

See, yer getting' it now!

Midna: When life hands you lemons…

I pretend that they're boobs!

Midna: When life kicks you in the face…

I put that face between some boobs!

Hege/Midna: HE'S A PERV!

I'm a perv!

I'm a perv!

I'm a perrrrrrrrrrrv!!!!!!!!!

Hege: Have I got curves?

You do!

Midna: So what's the word?

Gotta be a perv!

Hege/Midna: WE LOVE OUR CURVES!!!

Because we're all pervs!

WE'RE ALL PERVS!!!

Hege: Yeah!

Tucker: That was good, can you believe I made that up on the spot?

Hege: Yes, I can!

Tucker: Hey… That's not nice…

Hege: Do you really care?

Tucker: Nope…

Midna: Why not?

Tucker: CUZ IM A PERV!!!!!!!!

Guard: I found them sir, they've been over here singing this whole time!

Tucker: CRAP! Stupid song!

Leader: Don't let them get away!

Five minutes later…

Tucker/Leader: WE'RE ALL PERVS!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Leader: I love that song!

The leader looked around, but Tucker had already grabbed Hege and Midna and taken off down the river in a boat they had found, somehow…

Leader: I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY!!! I'LL GET YOU!!!!!

Tucker: No you won't!

Leader: WHA- Get him!

Tucker: Why did I come back! Hege! Midna! Stop the boat! Wait for me!!!

Leader: We've got you now!!!

Tucker: AHHHHH!!!!! WAAAAIIIIITTTT UUUPPPPP!!!!!!

Minutes later…

Tucker: Why didn't you stop the boat?

Hege: How exactly did you expect us to do that?

Tucker: Hmmm, there's no oars…

Hege: No oars…

Tucker: There's no anchor?

Midna: No anchor…

Tucker: Is that a waterfall I see over there?

Hege: It is…

Tucker: Well, are we screwed?

Hege: We are…

As the boat drifted closer to the waterfall, Tucker and Hege were trying to turn the boat so they could slow down. Midna looked around and then looked into the water.

Midna: Tucker…

Tucker: One second, Midna…

Midna: Tucker!

Tucker: Hang on, Midna!

Midna: TUCKER!!!!

Tucker: WHAT?

Midna: The river's only two feet deep!

Tucker: Oh…

Tucker jumped out of the boat and stood up and pulled the boat over to the shore.

Tucker: I knew that…

Midna: Is life for you two always like this?

Hege: Mostly…

Tucker: HAHAHA!!! It's funny as hell!

Tucker looked over at Midna just as a man swung down on a vine and grabbed her.

Tucker: MIDNA!!!

Man: AHA! I am a popular movie reference! No one knows where I'm from! Ha-Ha!

Tucker: Yer from Shrek! Now, that's my princess, go find your own!

Robin Hood: AH! Please, monster-

Tucker: THAT'S THE WRONG LINE, DICK!!!!

Robin Hood: What?

Tucker ran up the side of the tree, grabbed Robin Hood by the sleeve and punched him in the face. Robin Hood dropped Midna and fell off the tree. Tucker jumped out, caught Midna and slid down the side of the tree. Tucker set Midna down, then pulled a splinter out of his pants, and turned to talk to Midna, but she was gone.

Tucker: Midna? Where'd ya go?

Tucker turned to see Midna kicking the crap out of the unconscious Robin Hood.

Midna: Take this! Stupid jerk! Watch who yer grabbing, punk! Oh, sorry, Tucker, I'm coming!

Tucker: Nah! Take yer time Midna, you earned that ass kicking!

Midna: I feel better now, I'm done with him!

Hege: Well I'm not!

Tucker: Hege?

Hege walked over and picked up Robin Hood and lifted him over her head and dropped him down onto her knee. The sound of Robin Hood's spine breaking made birds fly away from miles around. Hege dropped Robin Hood, straightened her hair and walked over to Tucker, who was staring at her with his jaw dropped.

Hege: What?

Tucker: That was awesome!

Hege: HAHAHA!!! Thanks!

Midna: How did you do that?

Hege: I'm just a badass!

Tucker: I love you…

Hege: Right back at ya baby!

Tucker: YES!!!!!

Tucker walked over to Robin Hood's non-moving body and pulled off his dagger sheath and pocketed his rupee bag.

Tucker: Okay, let's keep going, there's sure to be more stupid references out in these woods, it would be best if we kept moving…

Hege: I agree…

Midna: Why are you talking like that?

Tucker: I do not know….

Hege: That was weird…

Tucker: These woods are boring me with their woodness, let's get the hell out of here!

Hege: Hell yeah!

Midna: That's better!

Tucker, Hege and Midna walked off toward the mountains. They walked until nightfall, when they stopped a few miles short of the edge of the forest and the entrance to the mountains. Tucker and Hege lied down together and looked up at the stars. Midna walked off by herself and flew up into a tree and sat down on a branch, then turned to see Hege sitting by herself. Midna frantically looked around to see where Tucker was, but she stopped and turned around and saw tucker sitting on the branch behind her.

Midna: How do you do that?

Tucker: The sneaking thing? Just practice I guess… It's not really that hard…  
Midna: It sounds hard…

Tucker: It's surprisingly not… So, why are you over here by yourself?

Midna: I didn't want to get in the way, it was obvious you wanted to be alone with Hege.

Tucker: Midna, I've got all my life to be alone with Hege, and what I want, is for all of us to lie down together and look at the stars as we talk about cool stuff, and get to know each other better. I know I'd like to learn more about you, and I know Hege would love to get to know you as a friend. What do you say, will you join us?

Midna turned away for a second, then turned around quickly and kissed Tucker for a few seconds, then released just as quickly…

Midna: I-I'm sorry, that wasn't right…

Tucker: Hell, if that was wrong I don't want to be right!

Midna: What?

Tucker: Midna, do I have to sing the perv song again? This stuff doesn't bother me, so come on down, I'll start a fire and we can hang out until morning.

Midna: Okay, and I am sorry…

Tucker: Hey, if that was your first kiss, you've got nothing to be sorry about.

Tucker started to climb down, and Midna followed him, as they reached the ground, Midna slipped and Tucker caught her.

Midna: Thanks, Tucker…

Tucker: My pleasure…

Tucker put Midna down and they walked back over to where Hege had stacked a bunch of sticks together and put a bunch of rocks around them.

Tucker: Good job getting' it started Hege!

Hege: Am I handy or what?

Tucker: I'll say you are, well, more like "handsy"…

Hege: What was wrong with Midna?

Tucker: Oh, nothing really needing concern, she just wanted to be alone for a bit.

Midna: Yeah…

Tucker: How about I get this fire started, and you two go and fill that bucket from the boat with water so I can put this out later?

Hege: Okay, just don't burn the forest down!

Tucker: Ha, ha… The stupid jokes are my forte!

Midna: We'll be right back!

As Tucker started to work on the fire, Midna and Hege walked back to the river with the bucket.

Midna: Hege, I wanted to tell you…

Hege: What's wrong Midna?

Midna: While I was gone, and me and Tucker were in the tree…

Hege: That perv didn't put any of those cheap movies on you did he?

Midna: Well, no, I, kissed him…

Hege: Oh, well what did he do?

Midna: He said he didn't mind… I hope you don't…

Hege: Well Midna, its not that it bothers me, it's just that this always seems to happen, everywhere we go, there's some different girl reacting that way to his personality, I almost wish he wasn't so crazy and pervy, but that's what I like about him…

Midna: So you don't mind?

Hege: Nope, as long as you remember one simple rule…

Midna: What's the rule?

Hege: I get him first! HAHAHAHA!!!!

Midna: HAHAHAHA!!!! You two are really funny!

Hege: Well, we'd better be, with the way that, that perv writes this stuff, we kinda have to be funny so that people don't notice the grammatical errors and all the plot holes…

Tucker: Not to mention the fourth wall breaks!

Hege: Sorry, sorry! But, yeah, it's good to be funny!

Hege and Midna had just reached the river when they heard shouting in the distance in the way they were walking. Midna flew above the trees and could just make out the guards closing in on them.

Hege: What do you see, Midna?

Midna: There's a bunch of guards coming this way! They look pissed!

Just as Midna finished her sentence an arrow flew toward her and missed by less than a foot. Midna dropped back below the tree line and she and Hege dropped the bucket and tore ass back through the woods. As they reached their campsite, Tucker had the fire going and was sitting back and looking at the stars. As they entered the light, Tucker looked over at them.

Tucker: Where's the bucket?

Hege: Forget the bucket! We've got to get out of here!

Tucker: What? Why?  
Midna: This isn't twenty questions! A bunch of guards are coming this way to kick our asses!

Tucker: Did you get funnier since you were gone, Midna?

Hege: Stop talking, put out the fire before they see it!

Tucker: THAT'S what the bucket's for Hege!

Hege: Oh forget it; let's just get the hell out of here!

Tucker leapt up and grabbed Hege and Midna and took off into the woods. After a few seconds, the guards reached the camp and they set up a perimeter. Meanwhile, Tucker, Hege and Midna were sitting in a large tree a quarter mile away from the fire so they could keep an eye on the guards, but remained far enough away to not be seen.

Midna: What do we do?

Tucker: We don't do anything, there's no way that they'd think that could be our fire, there's people all over the place.

Leader: This must be those outworlders' fire, spread out and find them, check the trees too!

Tucker: Smart enemies, didn't count on that… Let's see, you two stay here, I'll go down there and improvise…

Hege: You're not going down there, there's way too many of them, even for you!

Midna: She's right, we should make a plan!

Tucker: Midna, do I really look like the type of person who thinks ahead before doing things like this? I'm gonna go Batman on these poor unsuspecting morons…

(Author's Note – It's kind of lame having to call enemies morons and idiots, I want to curse! Darn these poopy-faced buttsniffers!)

Tucker leapt from the tree and quietly crept up to the closest guard and grabbed his sheathed knife and slit his throat with it. Tucker quickly stripped the guard of his armor and put it on himself, then pulled the guard behind a tree and picked up his spear and started over to the next guards. As he moved closer, two other guards noticed him.

Guard3: Any sign of them?

Tucker: Uh, ehem… Nope, no sign of them, I tell ya what…

Guard4: Well, they've got to be around here somewhere, go check over there!

Tucker looked where the guard pointed and knew that's where Hege and Midna were hiding.

Tucker: I already checked over there, there was nothing there…

Guard4: Well that's not good enough, I'm gonna have to check it myself!

Tucker: There's no need, dude, I already checked it!

Guard4: Well I, wait… What did you call me?

Tucker: Nothing, uh, sir…

Guard4: That's better, now shut up and stand there while I check this out.

As the guard moved closer to Hege and Midna's hiding place, Tucker tried to think of what to do; if the first guard found Hege and Midna, he'd call for backup, but if Tucker killed the first guard, the second one would yell and all the guards would come to help. Tucker weighed his options and he decided he couldn't let Hege and Midna be discovered, so in a split second, Tucker thrust his spear through the back of the guard's armor, piercing his spine, and killing him. The second guard turned to run, and Tucker tried to pull his spear free, but it was stuck inside the guard he'd killed.

Guard: Help! Help! Traitor!

Tucker dropped his spear and ran after the guard, who had a good ten yards on him. As the guard gained speed, Tucker rolled and picked up a rock. When tucker was upright, he chucked the rock at the guard's head, and the rock hit him in the neck, where his helmet didn't cover anything. The guard stumbled and Tucker caught up to him and tackled him. The two rolled around on the ground and Tucker managed to get on top. Tucker pulled the guard's helmet off and started bashing him in the face with it. After a minute, the guard lay motionless and Tucker stood up, panting and gasping for air. He looked around and saw more guards heading his way. Tucker dropped the helmet and kicked a fallen branch over the guard's body as the other guards arrived.

Guard5: What's going on? Who yelled traitor?

Tucker: I'm afraid I did, sir. The outworlder came up from behind me, hit me with something, and ran off in that direction as I was regaining my composure…

Guard5: Damn those outworlders! Hyrule guards! That way! After them!

All the guards ran in the direction Tucker had pointed and as Tucker turned to leave, he noticed the leader standing behind him.

Leader: You did a good job tonight, soldier. But why are you going that way?

Tucker: Um, well, you see, sir…

Leader: Oh, I know what's going on… You feel weak since that cowardly outworlder managed to hit you from behind…

Tucker: Well, yes sir, I'm sorry I let them get away sir…

Leader: Well don't worry, you follow me and we'll get them and bring them back to the king!

Tucker: Okay, you go ahead sir, I have to go get my spear, it's just back there a ways, I'll catch up to you in a second!

Leader: Very well, hurry up then soldier!

Tucker: Yes, sir!

The leader ran after his troops and Tucker took off in the opposite direction. After a minute, Tucker saw Hege and Midna hiding in the shadow of the tree they were just in.

Tucker: I thought I told you two to stay hidden!

Hege: We were worried about you!

Tucker: Thanks Hege, I'd love to express sentiments of love on ya right now, but we need to make like a tree and get the hell out of here!

Midna: Make like a tree and what?

Tucker: Never mind, come on, let's go-

As Tucker turned around, he saw in the corner of his eye, what looked like a figure moving in behind Midna. Tucker turned back around just as the guard he'd beaten stupid with a rock grabbed Midna and put his knife to her throat. Tucker tried to raise his spear, but the guard pulled the knife closer to Midna's neck.

Guard5: You drop that spear, right now!

Tucker: Okay, okay, just don't do anything stupid!

Tucker dropped the spear and without being seen, pulled out his knife and put it behind his back.

Guard5: Okay, now here's what's gonna happen, you're gonna sit down and put your hands on your head.

Tucker: Okay, we're sitting, Hege, sit down please…

Hege: But what about-

Tucker: HEGE! Please sit down…

Hege: Okay…

Hege sat down and Tucker did too. The guard tried to fumble around in his belt, then Tucker realized he was going for a flare, and couldn't risk the other guards coming back.

Tucker: Hey, uh, guard…

Guard5: SHUT UP!!!

Tucker: Sorry, I just thought you'd be willing to let us go for, saaaay… 10,000 rupees…

Guard5: 10,000- No, you're just tempting me, you don't have that much!

Tucker: Then you can have this as interest!

Tucker lunged forward and stuck his knife in the guard's femur, causing him to scream in pain. Tucker jumped to his feet and grabbed the guard's arm, and Hege pulled Midna from the guard's grasp just as Tucker pushed his arm and made the guard shove his knife into his own throat. The guard made a gurgling sound and fell on his face and died. Tucker looked over at Midna who was crying into Hege's chest, then sat down and stuck his knife in the dirt.

Tucker: Some first night, eh Hege?

Hege: It's not gonna get much better is it?

Tucker: Not so long as those guards are after us, but if we can get to the mountains, maybe the gorons can protect us.

Midna: The what?

Tucker: Gorons, mountain-dwelling folks… They're like big rock monsters with crusty old man nipples… Never understood why they had those, kinda weirds me out…

Midna: Well, how will we get there with those guards running around?

Tucker: Don't worry, by the time they realize that we're not in the direction I pointed them, we'll be to the mountains already…

Midna: Okay, that's a good plan…

Tucker: It's a kick ass plan!

Tucker, Hege and Midna all walked off quickly through the brush for a while until they reached the edge of the forest just as the sun was beginning to come up. As they started toward the mountains, Midna was asleep in tucker's arms, and Hege was drudging on next to Tucker in the road. Tucker turned as he heard something approaching behind him. He guided Hege off the road and they jumped behind a rock as the guards that were still after them rode by them on a large wagon being pulled by a dodongo.

Tucker: What the hell, I can't believe they caught up with us already!

Hege: Now what do we do?

Tucker: Well, there's no way we're making it up the mountain without supplies, so here's the plan…

Tucker looked around and he noticed a cloak hanging from a tree nearby. Tucker looked down the road and didn't see anyone coming, so he quickly crossed the road and pulled the cloak down off the tree, but what Tucker thought was just an ownerless cloak, was actually being used to block the view of a woman bathing behind it.

Tucker: WHOA!!! Didn't know anyone was back there!

Woman: What the hell? You just walk around pulling back other people's stuff?

Tucker: I didn't know you were back there! Really, I just wanted the cloak!

Woman: Why do you want my cloak?

Tucker: I need some supplies from that town over there, and there's some people there I'd like to avoid the attention of.

Woman: Hahaha, got some trouble with the royal guards eh? Stay there, and don't touch the cloak! I'm still naked back here…

Tucker: Oh, really, I didn't notice…

Hege: Careful, Bealmear!

Tucker: Ah… Hahaha… The thought never crossed my mind Hege…

Woman: So, you're a complete wuss, eh?

Tucker: Now, there's no need for any of that kind of verbal assault!

The woman pulled down the cloak revealing herself partially covered in armor, and, she threw the cloak over her and put the hood up.

Woman: So, who are you, Mr. Perv?

Tucker: Why does everyone say that?

Woman: Well, you did just see me naked and not apologize for it…

Tucker: Touché…

Woman: So, do you have a name, or does Mr. Perv suit you fine?

Tucker: I'm Tucker, who are you?

Woman: I'm Jessica, and I'm guessing that you're not really that accustomed to meeting beautiful women…

Tucker: Why is that?

Jessica: Because You haven't tried to kiss me yet, Mr. Pervert…

Tucker: What kind of date rapists are you used to seeing around here?

Jessica: What do you mean?

Tucker: Ya don't just grab a beautiful woman by the breasts, well, very nice breasts in your case…

Hege: Tucker…

Tucker: Sorry, sorry… You don't just grab them and shove your tongue down their throat; it's not cool to do that!

Hege: That was very nice!

Tucker: Thank you, Hege, I was trying my best, and I think it went through to her…

Jessica: Ehh, works for me!

Jessica grabbed Tucker by the sides of his face, bent him back and kissed him deeply. Then in a split second Hege leaped out of nowhere and uppercutted Jessica into the air. Jessica dropped Tucker who dropped to the ground with a thud, and Jessica landed on top of him.

Jessica: Wow, that girl's got a canon attached to her shoulder…

Tucker: I… love… you… Hege… ow, my back…

Hege: You're so sweet, Tucker…

Jessica: Well, how about this, one of you come with me and I'll get you the stuff you need to go up the mountain…

Tucker: How did you know we were going up the mountain?

Jessica: Are you kidding, you've been discussing your plans all the way up the hill, I almost couldn't concentrate on cleaning my, enormous, shiny breas-

Hege: That's enough; don't go putting any images in the perv's mind… That's my job…

Tucker: Hahaha… Let's go get those supplies then-

Hege: Oh, no, if you think I'm leaving you alone with this girl, you're even more insane than I thought you were…

Tucker: Well, I am plenty insane…

Jessica: Okay, me and yer master will go get those supplies, you go down the hill there and you'll find a house, that's where I'm staying, you can wait for us there…

Hege: If you've got a house nearby, why were you bathing near a road?

Jessica: Well, I could tell you, but the perv did mention a little bit ago about something called a plot hole…

Tucker: Guilty… I'll take Midna over there, and we'll wait for ya to get back…

Hege: Okay!

Hege and Tucker shared a kiss, then with Jessica laughing, she lead Hege into the town as Tucker carried Midna down the hill to the house. Jessica led Hege to the back door of a run down building, and knocked on the door three times. After a second, a notch opened on the door and a man could be heard just inside the door.

Man: Password?

Jessica: What password?

Man: Correct… Come on in Jessica…

Jessica led Hege inside the building that turned out to be a tavern, and the large man behind the door shut it as they walked in…

Man: Hey, Jessica, what's with the girl, never knew you played for both teams…

Jessica: Oh, it's a new thing I'm trying out…

Man: Yer such a perv Jessica…

Jessica: Is Marshal here, I need to see him.

Man: No, he's out at the moment, he should be back soon though.

Jessica: Cool, you, uh…

Hege: I'm Hege…

Jessica: Hege… Right, you want a drink or something, we won't be able to get those supplies until Marshal gets back…

Hege: Um, sure, what do you have?

Bartender: We've got just about everything you could wash down yer gullet!

Hege: Sounds thrilling, what do you usually get, Jessica?

Jessica: I don't think you could stomach it…

Hege: Try me…

Jessica: HAHA!! All right, barkeep, line me up two dodongo hearts…

Bartender: And is this going on your tab too?

Jessica: Put it on Marshal's tab, I'm sure he won't mind…

Marshal: Oh, I think I would…

Jessica and Hege turned around to see a man wearing the same kind of cloak as Jessica standing behind them.

Jessica: Marshal! We were just about to come looking for you!

Marshal: Oh, really? You weren't looking for me so you could repay your enormous debt to me would you?

Jessica: You know me too well, Marshal…

Marshal: Okay, let's go…

Jessica: Okay, Hege, stay here, and don't let any of these idiots push you around…

Jessica and Marshal went behind the bar and through a door. Hege looked around as a bunch of giant, mean-looking men walked over to her and got in close to look at her face…

Man1: Her skin's really smooth…

Man2: And her teeth are really clean…

Man3: And her hair's really shiny…

Hege: Um, yeah, I try to look my best…

Man1: Oh, really, well could you give us a hand with something?

Hege: Um, like what?

Man3: Well, you see little lady we're not bad men, per say…

Man2: Per say…

Man3: Yes, we just like people with smooth skin, clean teeth and shiny hair…

Man1: And we were wondering if you'd help us out with something…

Hege stood up and the men backed her up to the wall.

Hege: What do you want from me?

Man1: It's very simple my dear…

At that moment, a loud yell was heard in the room Jessica and Marshal went into and a shelf on the wall of the room shook and a bunch of glasses fell off and shattered on the ground…

Bartender: Jeez, not again, every day with those two…

Hege: Are they fighting?

Bartender: Not exactly… They are doing something, but they're not fighting…

Hege: Wow…

Man2: Back to us darlin'…

Hege: Look, I don't know what you want, but I can't help you in that area…

Man1: But we want to have smooth skin, clean teeth and shiny hair too!

Hege: Well, you, w-w-wait, WHAT???

Man3: Yes, we just get so dirty fighting every day; we can't seem to look good anymore…

Hege: Ohhhh, you want tips to look your best!!!

Man2: Yes!

Hege: So yer not gonna molest me?

Man1: Only by request! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hege: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

After a few minutes Jessica and Marshal came out of the room all dirty and covered in sweat.

Bartender: Jessica, hide your shame…

Jessica: Oops, my bad!

Jessica put her top back on and she and Marshal walked over to Hege, who was talking to the three men about how to give yourself a manicure.

Jessica: What's going on here?

Man2: OH! We, we were just, uh, talking about breasts, and killing stuff, yeah that's it!

Marshal: Yeah, yeah, we're stealing your little friend here; we need to get her to the blacksmith…

Jessica: Per our deal!

Marshal: Yeah, per your deal… Let's go Hege…

Hege: How does he know my name?

Jessica: When do you think we were discussing the deal?  
Hege: You planned the whole thing while having sex?

Marshal: She does everything while having sex…

Hege: Just like someone else I know…

Marshal walked over to the door and handed Hege a cloak that looked liked his and Jessica's.

Marshal: Here, put this on, people will recognize you as one of the resistance…

Hege: Resistance for what?

Jessica: To overthrow the lieutenant the king sent over here to oversee the mining situation with us and the gorons…

Hege: This sounds familiar…

Marshal: It's the plot of Tucker's favorite Fullmetal Alchemist episode… Now let's hurry, he'll be out to lunch any minute and we have to catch him before he leaves…

Marshal opened the door and looked around outside for guards. With none around, he put up his hood, and Jessica and Hege did the same. Marshal led Jessica and Hege down the street, then stopped and put up his hand. Jessica pulled Hege off the street as three guards on dodongos rode by.

Hege: They're so well armed, how will you win?

Marshal: Our dodongos are from deeper in the caves, they're much bigger… Now I see the blacksmith, let's go!

Marshal sprinted toward the blacksmith, with Jessica and Hege behind him. The blacksmith dropped the cup he was drinking out of and tried to open his door, but Marshal threw a knife at the door and stuck it shut. Marshal grabbed the blacksmith and hoisted him into the air.

Blacksmith: Please, Marshal! Don't kill me!

Marshal: Kill you, I have many horrors in store for you Jacob, but until then would you mind to greatly in doing me a teensy-weensy little favor?

Jacob: Oh, sure, no problem, what do you need, more swords?

Marshal: Sort of, this girl here and two of here friends need to climb the mountain…

Jacob: Oh, no sweat, but you'll need more than swords to do that… You can try my new invention!

Marshal: Ooh! What did you make now?

Jessica: I love that staff of 1000 uses you made me!

Jacob: How many uses do you have for it so far?

Jessica: A foot-long golden staff? Just one so far… Hahaha…

Jacob: Yer such a perv…

Jessica: Yes, yes… Now let's see this invention…

Meanwhile, Midna had awakened and sat up, finding herself in a strange bed, with tucker asleep next to her. Midna moved closer to Tucker and sat over him. Midna rolled Tucker over and looked around…

Midna: Hello? Anyone here? Hello? ……… We're alone… Perfect!

While Midna had her way with Tucker, Hege, Marshal and Jessica walked out of Jacob's front door carrying handfuls of weapons and climbing gear. As the door shut, three guards on dodongos walked by and saw them.

Guard: You! HALT!!!!

Marshal: Damnit, run!

Marshal and Jessica grabbed Hege and they all sprinted away as the dodongos took off after them. As they tried to reach the bar, Marshal noticed two more guards rushing toward them from the front. Marshal skidded to a stop and Jessica and Hege stopped behind him. The guards surrounded them and as they prepared to charge, Marshal put his hand to his mouth and whistled loudly. The guards stopped just as a giant king dodongo burst through the wall behind them and fried the guards and smaller dodongos to a crisp.

Marshal: Good boy! Who wants a treat?

The king dodongo lowered its head and wagged its tail quickly as Marshal pulled one of the roasted dodongo's legs off and threw it into the air. The king dodongo grabbed it and ate it, then Marshal waved his hand and the dodongo rolled up and rolled away.

Marshal: I love that big crazy monster…

Marshal picked up the weapons he'd dropped and he led Jessica and Hege over to the bar again. As they entered the door Marshal dropped all the weapons on the floor and the bartender turned around with an angry look on his face.

Bartender: I just cleaned the floor Marshal, pick that stuff up, put it on a table!

Marshal: Sorry dude…

Marshal gathered up the things he'd dropped and put them on a table, and Jessica and Hege did the same.

Jessica: Okay, that was fun, now I'll go get your friend and bring them up here and we'll lend you a few rides to get up the mountain…

Hege: Okay, but no funny business…

Jessica: Me? Funny business? Don't make me laugh!

Marshal: Make sure he wears protection!

Jessica: I always do!

Hege: HEY!!!

Jessica: Kidding!

Jessica walked out the back door and took off toward her house. But as she ran, a guard noticed her and followed her. As she reached the house and went inside, the guard waited outside for her to come back out.

Jessica: What the hell? I was gonna do that!

Midna: Wait your turn!!!

Jessica: Wait, who are you?

Midna: I'm… BUSY!!!! Now, beat it!

Jessica: This is my house, you beat it! What are you supposed to be anyway, some kind of imp, or a demon?

Midna: I am the twilight princess!

With all the shouting, Tucker woke up and he looked up and saw Midna, and what she was doing…

Tucker: Well, good morning to you too Midna…

Midna: I'm sorry! She made me do it!

Jessica: Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you to do that, if it was my idea, I'd be doing it!

Tucker: If I could just get up here!

Midna: AH! Don't move so fast!

Tucker: Sorry, go ahead and finish up, then go ahead and get off me…

Midna: Okay…

Jessica: HEY! What about me!?

Tucker: (Sighs) You can have the next turn I guess… Whatever…

Several minutes later…

Marshal: What's taking her so long?

Hege: I'm gonna kill her!

Guard: What's she doing in there?

Tucker: Annnd, boom goes the dynamite…

Jessica: Ahhh… That was fun, now yer friend is waiting for us to get back, we should go, we've been here for an hour…

Tucker: Really? Damn… Let's go!

The guard woke up at the sound of the door being opened, and readied himself to jump on Jessica, but Tucker walked out first and saw him. The guard jumped and tried to run, but Tucker was already on him.

Guard: AUGH! Get off me- Wait, why are you glowing?

Tucker: Ha! Mallrats reference! None of yer business, why were you waiting out here?

Guard: My lieutenant wanted the girl that lives here, who are you?

Tucker: That's not important, and did you say there's a lieutenant around here somewhere?

Guard: Yes, why?

Tucker: Nothing, it just sounds vaguely familiar, like my favorite episode of-

Guard: Fullmetal Alchemist, yeah, we know…

Tucker: Damn plot holes… What should we do with him?

Jessica: Well, he would of probably killed you two, so toss him off that cliff over there, it's the one I usually use…

Tucker: Works for me…

Tucker dragged the squirming guard over to the ledge and looked over the side. Tucker stepped back and looked at Jessica.

Tucker: I don't see a bottom over there! How deep is it?

Jessica: Hmmm, not really sure…

Tucker: Oh well, tough luck dude…

Guard: Oh, come on!

Tucker: Nope… You've gotta go…

Tucker kicked the guard over the edge where he fell screaming until Tucker couldn't see him anymore. Tucker walked back over to Jessica and Midna, then led them back up to the town. As they reached the bar, they walked in a saw everyone line dancing to goofy music.

Tucker: What's going on in this place?

Hege: You were gone too long, we got bored…

Tucker: I'll say you were; now move over, I'm bustin' a move!

Tucker joined the dace for a few minutes, then the plot came back from the bathroom and everyone got back to business.

Marshal: Well, now that that's over, here's the supplies you'll need to climb the mountain, just don't break them, they were expensive…

Hege: We basically stole those!

Marshal: Shhh! Quiet!

Tucker: Well, thanks dude, I appreciate this, how much do I owe ya?

Jessica: First taste is always free…

Marshal: Then why did you rob me after our first time?

Jessica: That doesn't count!

Marshal: My ass! You still owe me a lot more than you can pay Jessica!

Jessica: Oh, you'll get paid back, baby, you'll get it ALL back!

Marshal: Yeah, I bet…

Hege: Well, thanks again, we'll be on our way now…

Jessica: Wait! I wanna come with you guys! You'll need a guide anyways…

Marshal: If she's going, then I'm coming too, she'll skip town if I let her run off on her own…

Tucker: Okay, the more the merrier I guess… Let's go!

Marshal: One more little thing before we go…

Tucker: What?

Jessica: It's true you don't have to pay for these tools with rupees, but you DO have to pay them back with some labor…

Tucker: I already did that then!

Hege: What?

Tucker: Nothing… Let's go then…

Marshal: Excellent, you three will have a very special job tonight…

Hege: What are we doing?

Jessica: We're gonna kill the lieutenant tonight…

Midna: Saaaay WHAT?

Jessica: If you have any last words to say to loved ones, or anyone else you want to do the horizontal monster mash with, I suggest you do it before we leave, you may not be coming back…

Tucker: Yup, saw it coming…

Later that night…

Tucker and Hege were putting on some armor, while Midna was trying to lift the sword Marshal had given her. Tucker walked over to help her, but Midna dropped the sword.

Midna: It's too big, I can't lift it…

Tucker: It's okay Midna, you don't have to fight, we're just gonna do this one little thing and then we can get back to getting you home…

Midna: But if I don't fight, how can I protect you?

Tucker: Protect me? Midna, that jobs reversed, I'm supposed to be protecting you…

Midna: But… But… You could, die, tonight…

Tucker: Relax Midna, we're not gonna die, tell her Hege…

Hege: Yeah Midna, this will be a cakewalk, we just have to break through the gigantic bunker outside the mountain, get inside without being spotted by those dragons that are flying around, then get through the hundreds of guards that are no doubt there, then infiltrate the lieutenant's fortress and find him and kill him before he can escape… Wow, we may have a little more trouble with this than I thought…

Tucker: Nah, you were right, it'll be a cakewalk…

Midna: You two are totally crazy!

Tucker: That's INSANE, we are insane, Midna…

Midna: What's the difference?

Tucker: An insane person will steal a salad bar from a restaurant, and take it outside and set it on fire, a crazy person will steal a salad bar from a restaurant, and take it outside, but then go to the bathroom on it…

Midna: Ew… You two are insane then…

Tucker: That's right!

Hege: Thank you Midna!

Tucker: Now, Hege, what was it Jessica said earlier? If we had anyone who we wanted to do the horizontal monster mash with, we should go for it?

Hege: I think it was something to that effect…

Tucker: HAHAHA!!! I don't mean to be rude, but unless you don't mind Midna watching, or possibly getting involved, do you want her to leave?

Hege: It's up to you Midna… What do you want to do?

Midna: It's okay… I'll leave… You two have fun; I'm the reason you're in this situation in the first place…

Tucker: Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll come get you when we're done so we can say goodbye before we leave…

Midna walked out of the tent they were all in, and she saw people all around her preparing to do battle. She walked along the road, which was lit by dozens of torches, and se took off into the sky and flew off toward the mountain stronghold where the lieutenant was…

Midna: I know what I have to do… I'll take care of him myself…

Midna flew along the ground to avoid the patrolling sentries and the dragons that were scanning the perimeter. As she reached the bunker she disappeared and reappeared inside it. She quickly jumped behind a box to avoid being spotted by a guard that was walking by. She jumped out and tip toed through the many corridors inside the bunker, then reached the main hub where all the guards had set up a base to stop any invasions.

Midna: The rebels will never get through this, but I've got to… So Tucker and Hege won't get hurt…

Midna flew up to the ceiling where the torches didn't quite reach and she slipped between the stalagmites to get closer to the lieutenant's fortress. She flew in an open window and found herself in the lieutenant's study. She looked around and she heard a voice, so she jumped behind a desk.

Lieutenant: Is someone there?

The Lieutenant stood up and Midna's jaw dropped as she saw that lieutenant was gigantic, even bigger than the guard leader. The lieutenant looked around, then sat back down in his chair and kept writing in a book. Midna slipped under the desk and noticed a sword shelf on her left. She quietly slipped over to it and realized that all the blades were much too big for her to lift. Midna sniffed, then noticed a small dagger on the lowest shelf. As she reached for it, a hand grabbed her by the middle and picked her up. Midna turned around and she was face to face with the lieutenant.

Lieutenant: So, another rebellion assassin?

Midna: You're a problem; I have to kill you so my friends don't get hurt!

Lieutenant: So, the rebels are planning an invasion eh?

Midna: (gasps) Oh, no!

Lieutenant: HAHAHAHA!!! Those fools, I will crush them to dust with my bare hands! HAHAHAHA!!!! Guards! I've captured a rebel assassin, take her away!

At that moment a guard walked in and took Midna by the arm and dragged her outside the study.

Lieutenant: Oh, and one more thing…

The guard turned around slowly, and Midna looked back, tears running down her face.

Lieutenant: Torture her slowly…

The guard nodded and dragged Midna out of the room, then shut the door. The guard dragged Midna who had stopped struggling and just sat down crying as she was dragged through the halls toward the dungeon… The guard picked her up and walked down a long staircase to the dungeon where two other guards were waiting. The two other guards tied Midna to a rack and then they pulled two red-hot pokers out of a furnace.

Midna: I'm sorry Tucker… I failed you…

Guard: No you didn't…

Midna: Huh?

The guard grabbed the door lock board of wood and hit the other two guards with it, then took the pokers and stabbed them with them. The guard turned to Midna who was struggling to free herself. Midna managed to get one hand free, and the guard put a hand up to her face, and Midna tried to push it off, but the guard removed his helmet, revealing that it was tucker the whole time…

Tucker: You didn't fail me Midna, you did great…

Midna: TUCKER!!! How'd you get here?

Tucker: Blame my parents Midna! Ha-Ha! Ed, Edd n Eddy reference! But in a ll seriousness, I followed you here…

Midna: But I was like flying and phasing through walls and junk!

Tucker: I followed you…

Midna: But I had to sneak past the dragons and all the guards and I barely made it…

Tucker: I followed you…

Midna: I'd of know if you were there, come on, it's impossible!

Tucker: Midna…

Midna: What?

Tucker: I followed you…

Midna: How?

Tucker: I'm like a ninja; no one knows how I do what I do…

Midna: Well, can you get me down from here?

Tucker: I don't know if I should yet, maybe I think I deserve a little retribution for you having sex with me while I was asleep…

Midna: But, that wasn't a bad thing!

Tucker: But I didn't get to enjoy it…

Midna: Well then, take me, brave hero…

Guard: They're in here!

Tucker: Son of a BITCH!!!!

Tucker quickly untied Midna and then dodged the guard's spear, took it from him with some crazy ninja moves and stabbed him through the chest with it… Tucker put his helmet back on and Midna phased into his shadow as Tucker returned to the main fortress to take advantage of the chaos to kill the lieutenant.

Guard: What are you doing here, they need more guards at the main gate, the rebels are getting through!

Tucker: That's too bad…

Tucker took out his knife and cut the guard's head off and then took off down the corridor back to the lieutenant's study. As he and Midna reached it, Tucker kicked the door open and quickly scanned the room, but there was no sign of the lieutenant. (It is a pain in the ass to have to type lieutenant all the time…) Anyway… Tucker took out his knife again and strafed around the room then he noticed the curtains in the corner didn't seem like they belonged there.

Tucker: That's a weird place to put those, I wonder…

Midna: Definitely an escape hatch…

Tucker jumped over the desk and sliced the curtains up and revealed the hidden escape hatch behind them.

Tucker: I had a dog, and his name was, I knew those curtains were planted there so I wouldn't notice the escape hatch…

Midna: Wouldn't it of been faster to just move them over?  
Tucker: Yeah, but cutting them up was fun…

Tucker kicked in the door to the escape hatch and slid down it. He landed on a soft floor after about a five second slide, then looked around and noticed a large open door and tire treads on the ground.

Tucker: Damnit, we'll never catch him now…

Tucker and Midna ran outside and saw Marshal chopping up a few guards with a scythe.

Tucker: Marshal! The lieutenant's getting away, we need a ride!

Marshal nodded and whistled. After a few seconds, his king dodongo rolled over and smashed into the wall of the fortress. Marshal waved his arm and Tucker and Midna jumped on the dodongo and it ran off after the lieutenant's trail. After a few seconds they managed to catch up to the Lieutenant's carriage, which was stupidly being pulled by more guards rather than horses or at least dodongos.

Tucker: What kind of economic crisis is this guy's situation where he can't even afford horses? It's bewildering!

The king dodongo jumped over the carriage and landed on the guards that were pulling it. The carriage smashed into the king dodongo, and stopped dead. The lieutenant jumped out and pulled a very large sword out from the wreckage of the carriage.

Lieutenant: Do you really think a puny soldier and a flying imp can kill me? I'm a lieutenant in the royal hyrulian army!

Tucker: Yeah, yer right, but then again, that's why we have this guy…

The lieutenant looked up at the king dodongo who reared up to its full height.

Tucker: There's gonna be some fryin' tonight!

Lieutenant: NOOOO!!!!

Tucker: ROAST HIM!!!!!

The king dodongo's fire breath erupted from its mouth and incinerated the lieutenant and everything fifty yards behind him. Meanwhile, Hege, Jessica and Marshal were finishing off the rest of the guards in the fortress.

Jessica: This is fun!

Hege: Yeah, I can't believe we found that secret entrance, we didn't have to worry about the bunker at all!

Marshal: Yeah, that lieutenant wasn't exactly the smartest man in the world…

Hege: We haven't found him yet, why say was?

Marshal: Because I lent your boyfriend my king dodongo, the fair lieutenant should be a pile of ashes with a goofy hat on by now…

Hege: My boyfriend?

Marshal: The blonde guy with short hair and that CRAZAH goatee, isn't he yer boyfriend?

Hege: Yeah, he-

Jessica: Could you help me kill these guards please?

Marshal: Yeah, as far as I know, you can only handle three guys at once…

Hege: BAM!

Marshal jumped over Jessica and sliced down the guards with his scythe. As the last guard fell, Hege and Jessica started cheering… Just as they turned to leave, the wall behind them exploded as the king dodongo rolled though it.

Marshal: Mr. Chomps? What's he doing here?

Hege: You named yer dodongo Mr. Chomps?

Marshal: YES! Why not, it's a good name!

Tucker and Midna walked out from behind the dodongo and Tucker fell over. Hege ran over to help him up, but Tucker was too dizzy to stand properly, so Hege and Midna helped hold him up.

Marshal: Don't worry about that dizziness, it'll wear off in a minute… Just don't throw up-

Tucker: (Hurls)

Marshal: Oh, that's pretty…

Hege: Tucker, are you okay?

Tucker: I'll be cool; just don't let me sit down…

Hege and Midna helped Tucker walk back to the camp, and as they arrived, they helped him into their tent, where they laid him down and laid down next to him.

Hege: Are you sure you're okay sweetie?

Tucker: Yeah, I'll be cool, just need a little rest…

Midna: Can I sleep with you?

Hege: WHAT?

Midna: Can I sleep NEXT to you?

Hege: Oh, sure! Okay!

Tucker: That's nice, thanks both of ya…

Tucker laid back and fell asleep, and Hege and Midna laid down next to him on both sides and Hege pulled a blanket over all of them. As they slept Marshal and Jessica and the rest of the rebels stormed the lieutenant's fortress and took it over. As morning came, Tucker woke up and realized that he'd rolled around in his sleep and he wasn't in between Hege and Midna anymore. Hege and Midna were in fact in each other's arms and Midna was burying her face in Hege's breasts.

Tucker: Nice…

Tucker opened the flap and walked out of the tent, then looked around and saw that no one was around. Tucker walked around and someone jumped on his back. Tucker flailed around and then fell over and Tucker noticed that it was Jessica that tackled him.

Tucker: Oh, hey Jessica!

Jessica: Morning, Mr. Hero!

Tucker: Aw, shucks… You flatter me!

Jessica: Would you like me to show my admiration?

Hege: I wouldn't!

Hege pulled Jessica off of Tucker and pulled Tucker to his feet.

Tucker: Thanks, Hege; you know yer the only girl for me!

Marshal: Mushiness aside-

Tucker: Don't choo be talkin' bout tha mushiness!

Marshal: Sorry, I guess… Well, no that all of you are up, and we've got everything set up here, I'd like to come with you on yer little trek to the twilight realm.

Tucker: Sweet! Let's go then!

Hege: Could we have breakfast first?

Tucker: Sweet! Let's have breakfast first!

After a hearty breakfast, everyone gathered up their supplies and they grabbed a dodongo-pulled wagon and took off down the trail through the mountains.

The End… For a while… THIS WAS 30 FREAKIN' PAGES!!!!!


End file.
